I can hear this one now. “Hey Chris, you’re off your rocker!” I get that a lot these days but I have to admit the ride is definitely fun until the rocker stops rocking. But we still all remember this guy here…..
So as I am babysitting my niece today, the rain came and came and came and well you get the idea. Weirdly there was a few tweets from Michelle Kenneth right before said downpour. Then there was THIS.
The reality is the following this whole Kovalchuk to LA thing has become like an episode out of South Park. Everyone knows the infamous “time share” episode. Now could you imagine how such a meeting would go with Dean Lombardi and Ilya Kovalchuk and Jay Grossman. It potentially could go something like this and please let this be clear….THIS IS A PARODY.
The Ilya South Park Parody…..
DL: Good morning Ilya and welcome to LA
JG: Thank you for having us come here. It has been a long couple weeks for all involved.
IK: When is breakfast. Better yet, where can I get breakfast here?
DL: First off, we wanted to greet you with a lovely timeshare commercial
IK: A WHAT??? I confused.
JG: Oh no…this could take awhile New Jersey didn’t do this.
DL: Wait just watch this, it will only take a minute.
DL: See that wasn’t so bad.
IK: Okay, where is my breakfast?
JG: The man did ask for breakfast an hour ago.
DL: Well to be fair, Ilya has kept us waiting almost two weeks.
JG: There were other teams that have shown interest.
DL: Like what New Jersey? Their time was 7 years ago.
JG: To be honest, Lou Lamoriello is a respectable man.
DL: Yes but he cannot compete with our cap room.
IK: I dont see money signs…I see sausage and eggs.
DL: We will get to that…right after this video from LA.
JG: This could end badly.
DL: Let’s watch this one from the Palm Springs area.
IK: Its 1pm PT, where is my breakfast?
DL: Surely it will be on its way, how about some fresh fruit?
IK: Okay okay….that will do for now but I better get breakfast.
DL: (motions to asst.) Cue up those next several videos.
Hours and hours go by…..finally Ilya does get served his breakfast at 8pm PT……..
DL: So was breakfast good?
IK: It was excellent. Now what was with that assistant between my legs?
DL: Oh she is quality control. She makes sure every part of your stay is great.
IK: Do not think wife would approve of this. We have a family you know.
DL: Much apologies, she will not do that again, it was a mistake.
DL (motions to asst): Do not try so hard next time.
JG: I am thinking we need to leave for the evening…its getting pretty late.
DL: Fair enough, it was an eventful day….first day in LA. We will resume negotiations in the AM?
JG: Yes it was a productive first day.
It was indeed a productive first day but increasingly Ilya and Jay grew more and more frustrated every time they tried to exit a door another door would appear. Surely they thought this was “The Matrix” or yes that South Park episode with all the timeshares. Every time they tried to go on a ski lift, they wound up in another seminar. Any door that opened up wound up having Dean Lombardi or assistant asking Ilya Kovalchuk to sign. This went on for hours and hours. Finally at 6am…Ilya said the following……
IK: These timeshares are dangerous Jay.
JG: Yes they are…more than I could ever had thought.
IK: Do I really want to sign a 3 year deal here? Everyone in Jersey was so nice to us and our family.
JG: I do not know, that is up to you.
IK: Well if we ever get out of here, maybe I can sleep on it.
JG: If only it was that easy Ilya.
IK: Will we ever get out of here?
JG: I do not know…I really do not know.
Out comes Dean Lombardi and his assistant. Okay we have one last video before we ask of a decision for you to sign with LA. This is absolutely the last video.
IK: I think I could take one more video…….
DL: Well you are in luck. This is from one of our finest citizens.
DL: (Motions to asst)…cue that video up now!
JG: Oh god its the guy from CHIPS….we are screwed.
IK: What is CHIPS?
As Ilya said that, the music and everything faded to a haze of purple and black. No one is really sure what happened to these two afterwards but they were later found alive and well in a swamp. They were very fortunate as not many escape the timeshare vortex alive. Just ask Alex Frolov what happens in the timeshare vortex. Ah the money that could have been saved.
Like we have said this is only a parody and did not happen but you never quite know…..
