In its never-ending pursuit to surpass the New Jersey Devils as the most boring team in the National Hockey League, the Vancouver Canucks made a series of moves, on Saturday, which is sure to bring them one step closer to their ultimate goal. With the 33rd pick in the draft, the Canucks drafted defensemen Taylor Ellington, straight out of British Columbia. “Yeah well duh we need offense,” an arrogant Dave Nonis said. “But honestly, we just wanted to cut down on travel expenses. I mean, what if the guy was from Ontario? He probably would’ve wanted us to pay for his first flight in. Basically, it would have been a big mess. Our salary cap couldn’t afford the trip either.”
If that wasn’t enough, the Canucks traded Jesse “I-can-actually-score” Schultz to the Atlanta Thrashers for Jimmy “I’m-just-another-defensemen” Sharrow. “Yeah, I’ll admit it, it was questionable,” Nonis said with a grin. “But you know what? Sharrow rhymes with sparrow, and I’ve got to be totally honest here. I really like birds.” When asked who would score goals outside of the Sedin twins next year, Nonis responded confidently and decisively. “Your freakin’ guess is as good as mine,” Nonis said. “But hey, remember the time Dallas almost scored in its own net in the playoffs? You see, WE don’t really need to score the goals, as long as we win the game. And with Luongo in net, all we need is one of those own-goal things every now and then.”
We all know the Canucks can play defense, but just how are they going to score enough goals to win games next year? Nonis had all the answers. “We’re the Vancouver freakin’ Canucks,” Nonis said, imitating a New York accent to add to the effect. “We do what we want, when we want. We’re a machine. I really think it’ll only take 80-90 goals to win the division next year. Luongo can do the rest.” The players seemed to be just as confident as their GM.
“Please get us — some help,” Henrik Sedin begged as Daniel finished his sentence. “There’s only so much we can do. Just look what happens when the other team actually defends us! Our line partner always gets so much credit, but you all know we’re the real O.P.P.’s that make it happen. Pyatt plays like he’s got rocks in his pants. And Naslund can go back to Sweden! We’re the only real Swedes on this team. Except for Ohlund, he’s coo’.”
Roberto Luongo was not available for comment, as he was too busy carrying the team’s luggage on his back. But, of course, Brendan Morrison was more than ready to take over. “You have to interview me,” an excited Morrison said. “I never miss a game, and I never miss an interview. You know I’m a God. I could be missing a leg, but I’d still be out there taking away ice time from players who deserve it. You know what really grinds my gears though? How overpaid is that Naslund guy?! Seriously dude, it’s called a pay cut.” It’s easy to see how focused and prepared the Vancouver Canucks are for the 2007-08 season. Coming off a division title, the Canucks look to repeat in one of hockey’s most difficult divisions. None wrapped up things better than captain Naslund.
“Basically, I’m still getting paid while this interview is going on,” Naslund said. “I would try hard, but honestly, what’s the point really? I’m making more money talking to you than you’ll make in your entire life. My motto has always been, never give less than your best. Or at least, never give less than what gets you paid 6 million bones a year. I guarantee you we’ll win the division this year, Luongo will play 80 games, the Sedin twins will continue to be better than five of me combined, Morrison will still suck, and I might even score a few goals. If I feel like it.”
